Weather-wise, this September’s been a volatile month, hasn’t it? That’s why we decided to put together a long-form ‘27 Card Messages’ guide to lift your spirits. And these are free-form card messages, mind you, so expect them to be full of (attempted) wit, dark humor, and unorthodox lines.
Here we go, ladies and gentlemen – starting off with a couple of long ones.
- Dear friend,
how the years go by… I wish you a happy and belated birthday!
I remember you like it was yesterday, 25 years old, as strong and healthy as a bull. And now? Pushing on 40, you’re still relatively healthy but not as strong, you’ve withered somewhat, a gray hair here and there, a full two days instead of a morning to rid you of last night’s hangover, your body creaking and whistling and emitting all sorts of new, strange sounds. Did you notice that not even our minds are as nimble as they once were? I noticed I started forgetting things more and more. How about you? Nothing alarming, but the little things, you know, where I left my keys and such. Ah, old age… How quickly we are racing towards eternity, towards the drowning blackness that will consume us all! Ah, never mind me…
Happy birthday, and all the best!
- Dear friend,
do you know how much you mean to me? Do I ever tell you that? I certainly don’t say it often enough… It is not out of lack of love or respect, but sheer embarrassment. Things like this are difficult to utter out loud, they open us up, make us feel vulnerable and defenseless. But why would one even need defenses against a friend like you?
By way of this message, I want to apologize for not telling (or showing) you how much I love you. Because I do. And, once again, self-consciousness is getting the better of me, so I have to stop.
I love you…
And wish you the happiest of birthdays!
- Dear friend,
isn’t it a mystery how human beings get wiser as the years go by? That makes you a real prophet now, doesn’t it?
I’m only kidding, of course. You’re not that old.
Getting old is not as bad as you may think. For one, you will, in fact, become wiser. At a certain point in your life (past the age of 45), a kind of peace sets upon you. It engulfs all areas and aspects of your life. Did you ever see the old men and women who don’t seem to give a damn? Yeah, that.
Also, if you’ve played your cards right, you will certainly have more money than you did when you were 20. This is always great. Perhaps now you will be able to afford that log cabin up in the Catskills that you always wanted. Or that new, completely unnecessary MacBook Pro?
As the years go by, you stop conforming as much, thinking about what others think of you, worrying about petty and insignificant things and details of your early 20s, but slowly start enjoying life the way life was meant to be enjoyed…
Anyway, you’re at a great point in your life. And you know that.
Let’s now move on to anniversaries.
- Good luck.
- Good luck (yeah, right).
- Dear friends, good luck to both of you. You’ll need it.
- Dear friends, I am incredibly happy to have had the opportunity of knowing you, being in your life, and seeing you as happy as you are with each other. Your marriage instils hope in all of us, hope that a life together need not be a life of sacrificing, fighting and rowing – that, in fact, it can be a beautiful journey towards one’s old age, the time when you will finally be able to look back and say, “Oh, how much we gave each other over the years. How many lives we’ve made beautiful.” Thank you for being there for me. I will be there for you too, forever.
- Dear friend,
would you like to go out for a cup of coffee? Yes? How does April 21st, 2045 sound?
- Dear friend,
I know you feel like your life is over now, but that is decidedly not so. Granted, you may have a few problems sleeping for the next 3 years. And, you know, you won’t have any autonomy whatsoever for the next 18. Also, that little child will occupy all of your time from now on. You will gain weight, trust me – because there simply won’t be any time left for exercising. Have I mentioned the incessant, murderous crying?
- Run far.
- Okay, it’s not the end of the world. It is the end of life as you know it. Kidding. Wait, no I’m not – it really is the end of your life as you know it. However, that is not a bad thing. As with everything in life (including life itself), there is a beginning and an end. A full cycle, if you will. Having your beautiful child is nothing but another chapter in your life that you will, as in all chapters of your life, learn from, benefit from, and soon learn to enjoy.
Someone got a new job?
- Oh, how wonderful for you. I know you were eager to get this job for the better part of last year, right? And now your dream has come true. You will undoubtedly prove yourself to be an amazingly valuable asset to the company. As far as your friends go… you are already a valuable asset to us. To all of us.
Take this new job in stride, and do not let it cause chaos within that beautiful oversensitive head of yours. Okay? But, if you have to stress over banalities and trivialities and the mundane and the sudden, do remember that we are here, and will listen to you and help you whenever we can.
We love you.
- Amazing! Now you only have to write a book titled ‘How to take on more responsibility for the same amount of money and way more stress.’ Just kidding, you won’t, because you won’t even have enough time to outline the book, let alone write it.
- This is such a great opportunity for you, congratulations! Now you only have to wake up at 7am and go to bed by 11pm for the rest of your life. Enjoy
A friend or family member you love is sick?
- I am gutted to hear that you are unwell. I’m also gutted to hear that you’re ill. Funny, right?
- Don’t worry, there are only a finite number of things that can go wrong with you right now… Also, ever read the Aspirin list of side-effects?
- I have to congratulate you on being so brave. I know I couldn’t take this as well as you do. Do not for one second think that I am trying to sound patronizing, for I really do admire how well you are taking this. Illness is never, ever fun. Well, yeah, except when you’re a child and desperately want to stay home from school. Illness is always, on the other hand, a chance for a person to grow. And you, my friend, have grown so much.
I only hope that one day, in a time of need, I can muster an iota of courage you’re showing right now. Care to lend me some?
- Don’t worry, it’s all going to end badly anyway.
- Congratulations on your new home. Also, congratulations on your debilitating mortgage that will keep you a prisoner for the better part of your adult life, on the million-and-one issues that come with owning a house, and your neighbor I heard listening to Metallica full blast while we were driving up here. Doesn’t home ownership feel nice?
- You’ve made it. And you did it all alone. Con-gra-tu-la-ti-ons!
- A huge step in your life, isn’t it? Can you feel it? Can you feel the freedom creeping up, the joyous sensation of owning a home, of being your own master, living on your own terms, answering to yourself and yourself only? I am so happy for you. You’ve worked really hard to get to this point in your life, and I couldn’t be more overjoyed. Well, yeah, I could – if that gorgeous house was mine – but hey, I’m going to have to settle with this!
Keep at it. If you ever need me, I’m here, just don’t come to me for repairs or changing the light bulbs or anything like that… If you do, we might have to look for a new place for you to live.
You want to express how happy you are that someone got married?
- Oh, you sad and sorry clown, how easily you have fallen into the trap of old. Not only did you just relinquish all rights to your freedom, you gave your loved one even more power! And this power is oh-too-great for one person to wield… Remember the good old days, when we used to run around, got drunk, had so much fun? Yeah, no more of that. You’re in bed by 11 now. Remember when we used to hitchhike down to the coast that summer? No more of that, either – now you have to get approval from the significant (too significant, if you ask me) other. But hey, don’t worry; you won’t be in prison forever. Ha, I’m kidding, you will.
- I couldn’t be happier for you. You seem incredibly, incredibly happy. Overjoyed. Zealous with love, even. You are doing this with the best person out there for you, someone who loves you more than they love themselves, someone who will make sure that all your remaining moments spent on this mortal coil is spent in happiness, bounty, and bliss. You deserved it. Heck, no, you worked hard on your relationship, you invested time, energy and your very soul – and now it’s paying dividends!
Congratulations, from the bottom of my heart.
- Run far.
We are slowly bringing this overly satirical guide to a close… Feel free to use our card messages, or, better yet, think of something original (not all friends and family will appreciate sarcastic and crass humor on their I-just-gave-birth-to-my-firstborn cards). Use all the aforementioned occasions to grow as a person, and show your friends, family and loves ones you care for them more than they ever imagined. Tell them you love them, and tell them sincerely. If you’re no good at telling, show them.
But make sure you tell them, show them, let them know how important they are in your lives. It is too often that the love and emotions go unnoticed in relationships between parents/children, husbands/wives, etc. Real emotions are sometimes difficult to get across.
We hope we’ve offered you, after reading this humorous “guide,” an incentive to really show them how much you care.