Funny Valentine’s Day card messages

Looking for something original to say on your Valentine’s Day card?
We have plenty of inspiration right here!

If you also need Valentine’s Day flowers or gifts, you can order both at SerenataFlowers.com.

  1. “What the world really needs is more love and less paper work.” Pearl Bailey
  2. ‘I require three things in a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.’ Dorothy Parker.
  3. ‘My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn’t want him to.’ Rita Rudner.
  4. ‘Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.’ Aristotle
  5. ‘If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?’ Anonymous
  6. ‘Love is like a river, always changing, but always finding you again somewhere down the road.’ Kelly Elaine
  7. ’Without love, what are we worth? Eighty-nine cents! Eighty-nine cents worth of chemicals walking around lonely.’ Hawkeye, M.A.S.H.
  8. ‘Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don’t say.’ Anon
  9. ‘Friendship is one mind in two bodies.’ Mencius
  10. “Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke.” Lynda Barry
  11. “Love is a game that two can play and both win.” Eva Gabor
  12. “When you’re in love you never really know whether your elation comes from the qualities of the one you love, or if it attributes them to her; whether the light which surrounds her like a halo comes from you, from her, or from the meeting of your sparks.” Natalie Clifford Barney
  13. “Before I met my husband, I’d never fallen in love. I’d stepped in it a few times.” Rita Rudner
  14. “Love is like war. Easy to begin with but hard to end” Unknown
  15. ‘All I really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt…’ Lucy Van Pelt, Peanuts
  16. ’ Love is just a chocolate substitute.’ Melanie Clark
  17. “If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?” Lily Tomlin
  18. ‘Love is the thing that enables a woman to sing while she mops up the floor after her husband has walked across it in his barn boots.’ Hoosier Farmer
  19. ‘I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.’ Anonymous
  20. ‘We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere.’ Tim McGraw
  21. ‘My father always used to say that when you die, if you’ve got five real friends, then you’ve had a great life.’ Lee Iacocca
  22. ‘If you walk in front of me, I may not follow. If you walk behind me, I may not lead. If you walk beside me, I will be your friend.’ Albert Camus
  23. ‘You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories.’ Chico Marx
  24. “Love doesn’t grow on trees like apples in Eden – it’s something you have to make. And you must use your imagination too.” Joyce Carol Oates
  25. ’A kiss is an application on the top floor a job in the basement.’ Unknown
  26. ‘Valentine’s Day is when a lot of married men are reminded what a poor shot Cupid really is.’ Anonymous
  27. ‘Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses.’ Thomas Robert Dewar
  28. ‘Women are cursed, and men are the proof.’ Rosanne Barr.
  29. ‘Get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted a whole day.’  Mickey Rooney.
  30. ‘I just love to do special things for my wife on Valentine’s day. Like open the door for her when she puts all the laundry in the washing machine, or plug and unplug the vacuum as she moves from room to room cleaning. Guys, it’s these little thoughtful things you can do to have a marriage such as mine.’ Anonymous
  31. ‘Sales Ad at a Store: ‘You are my one and only’ valentine cards, now on sale: 4 for $5.’ Anonymous
  32. ’Falling in love is so hard on the knees.’ Aerosmith
  33. ‘Basement smells bad. Look for cat poops, change litter.’ Happy Valentines Day. (note to her gardener) Martha Stewart
  34. ‘A kiss makes the heart young again and wipes out the years…’ Rupert Brooke
  35. ‘Without love, the rich and poor live in the same house.’
  36. “To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides.” David Viscott
  37. “Love wouldn’t be blind if the Braille weren’t so damned much fun.” Unknown
  38. “Love, and a cough, cannot be hid.”George Herbert
  39. “Love is being stupid together.”Paul Valery
  40.  “Like the measles, love is most dangerous when it comes late in life” Lord Byron
  41. “I got a Valentine’s Day card from my girl. It said, ‘Take my heart ! Take my arms! Take my lips!’ Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.” Robert Orben
  42. ‘Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.’ John Waters
  43. ‘Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it.’ Unknown
  44. ‘It takes a lot experience for a girl to kiss like a beginner.’ Ingrid Bergman
  45. ‘It’s not that I can’t live without you…it’s just that I don’t even want to try.’
  46. ‘Women with pasts interest men… they hope history will repeat itself.’  Mae West.
  47. ‘Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.’  Groucho Marx.
  48. “Today is Valentine’s Day. Or, as men like to call it, Extortion day.” Jay Leno
  49. “The Eskimos have 52 words for snow because it is so special to them; there ought to be as many for love.” Margaret Atwood
  50. “Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place.”Zora Neale Hurston
  51. “Once you have loved someone, you’d do anything in the world for them except love them again” Unknown
  52. “Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket, or a holding pattern over Philadelphia.” Judith Viorst
  53. “Love is what you’ve been through with somebody.” James Thurber
  54. “Love is not singular except in syllable.” Marvin Taylor
  55. ’ Take my wife-please.’ Groucho Marx.
  56. “Love means nothing in tennis, but it’s everything in life.” Unknown
  57. ‘Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was choice, falling in love with you was beyond my control’
  58. “Love is the greatest refreshment in life.” Pablo Picasso
  59. ‘A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.’ Arturo Toscanini
  60. ‘Love – a wildly misunderstood although highly desirable malfunction of the heart which weakens the brain, causes eyes to sparkle, cheeks to glow, blood pressure to rise and the lips to pucker.’
  61. “Take away love and our earth is a tomb.” Robert Browning
  62. “One advantage of marriage, it seems to me, is that when you fall out of love with him, or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until maybe you fall in again.” Judith Viorst
  63. ‘When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.’ Mark Twain
  64. ‘One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love.’ Sophocles
  65. “Roses are red, violets are blue, Happy Valentines day, I love this really cool person with a great smile, cool personality, a sense of humor, and it isn’t you. Just kidding.”
  66. “We have many Valentines days under our belts… literally and figuratively. I guess the chocolates add up over time. Happy Valentine’s day, and another one under our belts.”
  67. “I’m wishing you a happy Valentine’s day, because it’s the only way I’ll have a happy Valentine’s day.”
  68. “I can’t think of any reasons to not love you.”
  69. ’ I wasn’t kissing her. I was just whispering in her mouth.’ Albert Einstein
  70. “We don’t believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack.” Marie Ebner von Eschenbach
  71. ’ I feel great and I kiss even better.’ Unknown
  72. “You’d be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap.” Dolly Parton
  73. “Without love, the rich and poor live in the same house.”Unknown
  74. “Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit.” Peter Ustinov
  75. “As soon go kindle fire with snow, as seek to quench the fire of love with words.” William Shakespeare
  76. “Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up is the brain empties.” Anonymous
  77. ‘I wanted to make it really special on Valentine’s day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours I watched whatever I wanted on TV.’
  78. “True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.”  Erich Segal
  79. “I worked hard trying to think of what to write in your card, really. Then I just ‘googled’ it. Happy Valentine’s Day”
  80. “The only reason I celebrate Valentine’s Day is to keep it from turning into sleep-on-the-couch night.”
  81. “I love you a lot. Especially when you aren’t annoying me to death. Happy Valentines Day.”
  82. “Most people don’t know this, but “Happy Valentine’s Day” spelled backwards is “Yad Senitnelav Yppah,” which means “You Stupid Sucker” in Cherub language. Cupid told me.”
  83. ‘I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell my children that, they just about throw up.’  Barbara Bush.
  84. ‘The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.’  Ann Landers.
  85. ‘A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; A woman loses hers after four. kisses.’ H.L. Mencken
  86. “Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” Groucho Marx
  87. ‘If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.’
  88. “When I think of Valentine’s Day, I don’t usually think of a flying toddler shooting me in the butt with arrows”

Source: www.you-can-be-funny.com, www.blakeflannery.hubpages.com

Author: Lily Calyx

Flower expert, gardening enthusiast and creative mind behind our blog.

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