We British love our people. We love our country, our rain, our never-ending gloominess, the Queen, Emma Watson and Emilia Clarke, Del Boy and Rodney, Basil Fawlty and Rene Artois.
But none of these national treasures hold the candle to a proper, loud night of gallivanting out at the pub, to which no self-respecting human will ever say no.
We bring you the list of the:
Six most loved and hated social gatherings in the United Kingdom
….listed from most loved to most hated….
….kicking it off with the….
1. Jollying it up down the pub [happiness rating: 96.5%]
The pub culture runs deep in the UK, dating back almost 2000 years.
Pubs are strewn throughout the UK and can be found all the way from the yuppie neighborhoods of London, to the small villages buried deep in the hinterlands of the Isle of Wight. We love it because beer is fine, pubs are rustic and comfortable, and companions loud and true.
We chug and clap and shout and eat fish ‘n’ chips and curse the Americans, celebrate the 1776 Declaration of Independence as a bold and strategic move, and argue about Brexit. Dark Guinness is a wonder. That’s probably the main underlying reason we like their pubs so much (one can argue!).
2. Drinking tea [happiness rating: 92.2%]
Even the Island’s wildest, drug-addled unfortunates sit down to a cup of tea whenever possible. Just like the Germans are well known for their sausages and warmongering, the Spaniards for bullfights and taking midday naps, we, the English, are famous for our bad weather and tea.
The entire nation comes together between the hours of three and five in the afternoon, when gallons and rivers of milk and tea and honey flow and ebb throughout the country. I mean, even if you’re not from the UK – what’s not to love? You sit down in a civilized manner and sip a tasty, hot liquid from beautifully adorned porcelain cups. Also, you get to eat cakes.
Everything is so sophisticated and there are drapes all around you and white walls and haughty accents and a lot of people shouting ‘jolly good show!’ Hell, my IQ went up by like 10 points just thinking about it.
3. Fighting bouncers at nightclubs [happiness rating: 86.5%]
There was a great TV show on ITV4 almost ten years ago, which followed a few nightclub bouncers around and showed us what their job actually looked like in the wee hours of the night.
It was horrible. British people obviously have quite a zealous, intrinsic, passion-driven desire to fight the staff, security guards, and bouncers at UK’s various nightclubs.
“Oi, mate, Imma shank ya kunty face blud!”
As each episode progressed, the untruly patrons seemed to advance in droves. It was a never-ending river of inebriated young men and women seeping out of the dark alleyways and streets. They’d come forward, arms waving, shouting, zigzagging across the road, muttering incomprehensibly, hell bent on making sure that the staff kept on their toes through the entire night.
By the end of the show, it all seemed almost sacred, divine, like the ancient British tradition of messing with nightclub staff had been around forever. It was almost spiritual – a deeply ingrained hundred-century-old need to cause a ruckus. And it was spectacular to watch.
4. Birthdays [happiness rating: 74%]
Everyone loves birthdays. They are the staple of the greeting card game. Birthdays are amazing: every single person gets to be famous for one day every year.
“Happy. Birthday. To. You,” and on, and on, and on around the world.
Everyone adores birthdays. The only person at a birthday who doesn’t want to be there…
…is the person celebrating. The author of this article finds birthdays to be a barbaric, offensive celebration. People are standing around you, staring at you, clapping and singing and trying to colour the gray monotony of their workaday lives by pretending to care for you more than they actually do. Then everyone leaves and you are left with a messy apartment, empty wallet, and a body and mind one year older.
Or, birthdays could just be a celebration of life and the relationships you’ve built with the people who are there. Ignore the author. He is a cynic.
(Don’t tell anyone: he LOVES celebrating his birthdays)
5. Funerals [happiness rating: 50.1%]
Nothing says British comedy more than dark, sarcastic, witty humour.
It stands to reason that it could never be what it is today if the British people didn’t maintain some sort of fraternal relationship with death. You have to be able to joke about the worst things in life in order to produce such levels of staggeringly dark comedic genius.
And that’s why I feel that most British people accept funerals in stride, as horrible and grotesque an event they may be. They are sad, they cry, they laugh with tears running down their cheeks, they console and comfort, they go on about the weather; but they have it in themselves to take a deeply, truly sad day and turn it into an inevitable, commonplace thing.
That, and the ability to get proper pissed later on in the day.
6. Talking politics [happiness rating: 3.4%]
Whether you lean left or right, Labour or Conservative, up or down – don’t do it.
Discussing politics is bad for any social event, wherever in the world you may be. Politics and politicians bring out the worst in people, so fluidly, so easily. But you can discuss the majestic Hugh Grant as Prime Minister in Love Actually, 2003.