Every year at the approach of our birthday we are expectant, shivering, drooling for the joy that the imminent Date of all Dates will bring us. The Normandy landings, lovingly nicknamed D-Day by the Allied troops, started in the morning of… Wait, no, that’s not it. Wrong topic.
In this context, the Date of all Dates is, in fact, our birthday; a day of laughter and joy, apprehension and impending death; a day which every human being sees in a completely different light.
To some, it is an occasion for fun and revelry, but for some a tedious celebration of a date none of us birthday girls or boys had anything to do with (after all, it’s the mothers who should be getting all the care and attention).
Regardless, humans love their birthdays. And there are so many things to look forward to presents, being the center of attention for the day, talking to some of your favorite people in the world, more presents…
… aren’t you sick and tired of boring, predictable, everyday birthday party ideas? Every year it is the same lunch with the same people, the same blowing of the candles, the vodka-shot-after-vodka-shot, each year a bit older and a bit drunker and a bit more lethargic in the morning.
Oh, don’t forget themed-parties – and you’ve had it up to here (pointing above head) with the 1920s?
Today, we devised a number of weird, non-traditional birthday ideas. We will guide you through them one by one, and hopefully, inspire you to follow them or come up with ideas of your own.
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Or, in other words, think before you blink.
Refrain from doing this if the person celebrating their birthday is timid, prone to anxiety attacks, or might have long-term consequences as a result of your tomfoolery. However, if you have a friend or family member who would take their own kidnapping in stride, who would perhaps even enjoy the practicality of the joke – then by all means, go get them. You and your friends wait for them at home (onlookers and the police might prove a real problem out there in the wild of the concrete), put a scarf over their eyes, inform them (very important!) that this it is in fact you and that this is their birthday present, and carry them down to the escape vehicle. Then, take them somewhere spectacular – they’ve most certainly earned it.
Get them keys to a Lamborghini (sans the car, of course), keys to a new house, a sports bag full of dummy money, a -14-carat bracelet, etc. This will be cruel and almost diabolical, especially after thinking they’d gotten a sports car for their birthday they end up with one of your traditional jumpers or cardigans or ill-tasting chocolate.
You can also get them a fake plane ticket to their favorite destination (okay, now this is just cruel). “Hey, friend, how about a trip to Bali?!” And then, gently, let them know that it’s all a joke and they’re not going anywhere. Mind you, put away all the vases and sharp objects and stuff. This time, you’ve most certainly earned it.
Buy them a real trip
It is not as weird as it is perhaps unorthodox: gather a group of friends and family members, and take the birthday boy or girl on a trip. This way, you are getting them something you know they will enjoy and love. New York, here they come! (hide the jealousy if it’s a place you really want to visit – it’s not about you)
Ever played one of these? If so, great. If not, even better.
A scavenger hunt is a game where the organizer of the game hides things around the neighborhood and makes people look for them. Usually, it’s played in two or more teams. As it is a competitive game, it will prove a ridiculously amusing birthday activity.
Place a flower in every nook and cranny in their apartment/house
We have no idea why anyone would do this (except to make someone mad), but hey. Worse ideas have come to fruition throughout history. So, order up a bunch of flowers from your favorite online retailer (again, who might that be?), and start decorating. Make sure it will take them a long, long time to pick out all the flowers and turn the jungle into a, once again, habitable apartment.
Storm chasing? A submarine ride? A parachute jump without a parachute and team of jumpers who catch you on the way down?
Birthday parties are beautiful celebrations. They are days when we show our loved ones how grateful we are that they, for one, are now among us, and delight us with their very existence.
Whatever you plan for them, do keep one thing in mind: make sure that it is done so with love. They will adore the party, however small and modest and boring, they know you’ve sunk your heart and your hands and your mind into it. And, more important than that, they will adore you.
Forever and ever.