6 Flowers You Should Never Give to Anyone EVER
Every woman loves to receive a thoughtful bouquet, whether it's for her birthday,
Valentine's day, or a special anniversary. And while some men may not be comfortable
admitting it, flowers can melt their hearts, too.
But not all flowers are created equal. Take it from me: if you gave someone close to you any
of the flowers on this list, they'd be pretty annoyed. While most flowers are beautiful
to behold, these strange flowers are some of the most unique in the world....uniquely awful,
1. Clematis Florida Sieboldii
This is the bridesmaid dress of the flower kingdom:
Not only is this flower too large to be an Easter boutonnière, too ugly to be a house plant, and too flimsy to be a doorstop, it also seems to bear the same texture and shape as one of the McDonald’s Fry kids. It's not clear if this plant was put on this earth for entertainment or botanical purposes.
Clematis Trans Fatteus
2. Amorphophallus Titanium (corpse flower)
Alright, so this flower is suffering from a serious case of name confusion. The layman’s term for this monstrosity is a “corpse flower,” as it clearly resembles a dumpster holding an inverted and completely stiff corpse protruding into the air, not unlike something you would see on Law & Order.
However, the Latin seems to present a different story. Now, I’m no expert, but from what I know of Latin, “morph” means “change,” “phallus” means “dong” and “titanium” means “metal.” No matter how expensive or rare this flower may be, NEVER give a woman a “Metal Dong-Changer” as a present.
3. Bowiea Volubilis (Climbing Onion)
If your favorite potato chip is plain, your favorite ice cream is vanilla, and your favorite amusement park ride is none, then this is a flower for you!
Finally, there is a plant that presents all of the wonder and majesty of a sprig of parsley right in the comfort of your own home. The Climbing Onion (as it is called since it appears to grow vertically and causes weeping from depression) is the definition of bland. For anyone looking for the natural beauty of cilantro in your home, get your hands on a Climbing Onion...and prepare to be bored.
4. Cereus Night Blooming Flower
Okay, this flower is kind of pretty....
But it reminds me of something sinister.....
Where have I seen this before?
There's just something about the weird angle of this flower that reminds me of Alien. Let's be honest: any flower that appears to be harnessing the power of James Cameron, whether it looks like an alien or an avatar or the Titanic, needs to not be a flower.
For some reason, knowing that this is a “night blooming flower” makes it even more terrifying. I don’t know about you, but I like my flowers to obey the rules of science and die in the darkness; NOT to thrive.
5. Aristolochia Gigantea (Birthwort)
A. This flower appears to be made out of a velour jumpsuit
B. Say the word “Birthwort” out loud a few times. Go ahead. I’ll wait.
C. This flower sucks.
Ignore the fact that it’s Georgia O’Keefe meets 1980’s hair metal; this flower is a waste of space and chlorophyll. I would rather breathe in the poisonous CO2 that this flower turns into oxygen than have this dissected pair of MC Hammer pants anywhere near my property. This flower is ridiculous, and the fact that it is the size of a small boat sail makes it significantly worse.
6. Rafflesia Arnoldii
There is only one way to put this accurately; the Rafflesia Arnoldii is native to this region:
...and it's nectar can be harvested to make this product:
This is the most ridiculous flower I have ever seen, and I’m having the hardest time coming up with one practical purpose for a flower this insane. I don't even know many people with houses big enough to house one of these enormous blossoms!
Perhaps its size is to absorb rain, which helps to power the magic of colored light?
Perhaps the center spikes are meant as protection from any Oompa Loompas who may want to eat the sweet, sweet chocolate that can be found on the inside?
I guess it’s just an ugly accident of evolution.
While flowers are usually the most colorful and magical examples of nature’s beauty, sometimes they remind us of the ugliness of life instead. Avoid giving these flowers at all costs...unless you want to insult the recipient.